Wilkommen! Ooohhhh, Lidl is open in Maryport!

If there are two things the Germans do well it’s making awesome cars and outsourcing their budget supermarkets.

Have you all got your fivers ready to pay for your big, weekly shop?

I must say, I haven’t had the opportunity to go for a nosey around in there yet, though I’m itching to.

Apparently they do some very nice footwear.

My relatives in Maryport swear that they’re getting a lot more wear out of the Lidl carrier bags than they do the Morrisons ones.

I’m just kidding! Of course they don’t walk around with carrier bags on their feet. They use them as hats.

We always have a good laugh at them at parties, though for some reason the number of our Maryport-based family attending our annual family reunion appears to be reducing each year.

Jokes aside, if there’s somewhere I can get a box of wine and some frozen ready meals to chuck in my son’s packed lunch for a few squid then I’m there.

I just hope I don’t get hypnotised by all the advertising in store or on TV.

Unfortunately I am one of those individuals who easily succumbs to the shiny pictures and offers that the like of Arcadia Group place in stores.

I left Miss Selfridge with a pair of green, suede boots in a size 7 yesterday.

I’m a size 4.

I suppose that even if I do go a bit mad in Lidl it won’t be too fiscally compromising for me.

I wonder if they’ve adopted any of Top Shop’s advertising tactics. I can’t imagine they have 12ft posters of celebrities modelling the latest autumn/winter trends, though I could well be wrong.

Maybe in place of a naked Kate Moss who’s covered her modesty with a strategically placed tartan shawl there’ll be a huge pic of someone like Gloria Hunniford holding up a pair of some extra long, thick woolly tights.

Well, I can dream can’t I?

I am glad that Lidl has come to Maryport, though.

God knows I’m not the type of girl that can afford to frequent Sainsbury’s or Waitrose.

I’ve only been in Sainsbury’s once and I daren’t go in again.

It was full of yummy mummies apparently loading up their trolleys with pates and organic eggs.

Meanwhile, I was stood with a basket in the drinks aisle in my joggers sporting a very streaky fake tan.

I’m sure they thought I must have wandered in off the streets by accident.

They didn’t even have any of those really cheap lagers I like to get but there was plenty of 40-year-old scotch and pre-mixed bellinis.

Still, Sainsbury’s is quintessentially English, isn’t it? It’s got posh drinks, veal… and cherry tomatoes.

Give me one of those German supermarkets any day!

Plus, if the Germans give us any beef we can always report them to Brexit!

Deutschland über alles!